Avenger Posts
by Commander Zucchini
Summary: Teenager Posts meet the Avengers. Post #35438 me all day: I'm so tired. me at night: how many shows can I watch before school tomorrow. In which Steve introduces the Avengers to "this cray show that's lit bro" Fullmetal Alchemist.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: A random idea that popped in my head as I crossed a Teenager Post and envisioned the Avengers acting it out. Feel free to let me know what you think.**

 **The majority of these will take place between the first Avengers and AoU. So, while they occasionally chill in the tower in between beating bad guys up and hunting for Loki's scepter.**

 **And yes, I imagine that every Saturday they eat breakfast together. Like one big happy family.**

 _Avengers Post #41283 I'm professional at 1) Eating 2) Sleeping 3) Stalking someone's profile_

"I have done it!" A triumphant voice echoes through the halls of Avenger Tower. "I have succeeded. Observe!" Thor proudly presents a laptop, setting it between half formed piles of what appears to be omelets and pancakes on the kitchen island where Hawkeye, Widow and the Captain are milling about as they wait for breakfast to be ready. The Science Bros. are at the counter, attempting to create edible experiments.

"You call this a pancake?"

"Hey. It's art. Look, I even put in green food coloring."

"Tony." A groan.

"Keep working on those omelets, buddy."

As Rogers leisurely scrolls down the computer screen, he gives an appreciative nod. "Good going, Thor. You beat me to it."

"You mean you still don't have one?" Barton asks incredulously, mirth in his eyes.

"I don't think that it would even recognize his birthday," Romanoff deadpans.

"What's this now?" Stark is wiping his hands on his pants and saunters over while Banner uses a towel, watching from a distance. The last of seemingly edible science fair projects are on the island, complete with what looks like Hulk juice.

"Green smoothies," Banner says humorlessly to Thor's inquisitive glance. "Tony's idea."

"It's healthy!" Stark quips, then gives a whistle and claps Thor on the back. "Finally! Add me, I'll tag you in some pictures."

"Now, how do I do that?" Thor's eyebrows draw together as his eyes scan the screen.

"First, breakfast. Then Facebook. I'll show you how it's really done, not like these spies here who only know how to stalk and don't post a single thing."

"I post," Romanoff says indignantly.

"Ads for potential Captain America girlfriends notwithstanding?" Tony raises an eyebrow as Steve snaps his head to look at Natasha in shock.

She shrugs. "Let's not let breakfast get cold. I want pancakes. I think I could eat a Hulk," she says and eyes the green blob at the top of the pile.


	2. Chapter 2

_Avengers Post #41351 signs a legal document with a glitter gel pen_

"Sir, Nick Fury is on the line wishing to speak with you," JARVIS announces in the lab.

Tony grumbles. "Of course, right as we're on the verge of a breakthrough. JARVIS, tell the good Director to take a hike. We're working."

"I will do so, sir."

"Thank you. Alright, Brucey, I want double the power on the thrusters, adjust the satellite calibration to-,"

"Stark," Fury's face appears on the console.

"Woah, how did he do that and why. JARVIS?"

"I'm sorry, sir, I'm afraid he was insistent."

"So you just _let_ him hack my computer?"

"Please, Tony, as if I need permission from your AI to hack your computer," Fury raises an eyebrow. "That paperwork I sent you regarding your epic fail last week needs to be reprinted and resigned. Pronto."

"Excuse me, that was not an epic fail, it was simple experimentation. That's what scientists do, trial and error." Tony continues to give orders to Bruce who looks sheepish and avoids looking at Fury.

"Half of New York State getting blown sky high by you knuckleheads is really racking up the YouTube views."

"So I'm an internet star, what can I say?"

"I want these resigned, Stark," Fury angrily holds up a stack of official looking documents with a nice pink signature dancing across the bottom. "Now. I have paperwork to file and bills from the governor to pay. You made this mess. Do your part."

"The governor doesn't like gel pen?"

Fury's scowl graces the screen for a moment before Stark terminates the connection. "Next time I'm signing in a big black Sharpie. The one that intoxicates you the moment it comes out of the package."

"In fairness, Tony, that mess really was your fault."

"So the Hulk didn't like tranqs. How would I know? Did you run the diagnostics yet?"

"As we speak."

"Great. Pack some pants. We're taking Veronica on a date to New Jersey."


	3. Chapter 3

_And due to request, here is:_

 _Avengers Post #87520: That moment when Captain America realizes Black Widow signed him up on a dating website._

 _Enjoy._

* * *

It was Thursday night. Clint and Natasha were eating popcorn and watching Superman.

"I mean really, if you had all that power, wouldn't you want to actually do something cool with it?" Clint said over a mouthful of buttered popcorn.

Natasha sipped a Coke. "Agent Kent."

"Yes. Yes, exactly."

"His weight would crush the air ducts."

"Levitation."

"Point."

They continued to watch, critiquing technique. Style. Bad guys. Special effects.

"Come on, that wouldn't happen in real life!"

Natasha picks up the remote. "We're watching Batman. I can't take this."

"Nat, we're in the middle of a movie—"

"You said yourself it was—"

"But that doesn't mean to stop—"

"Yes, it does, because I'm about to punch something—"

"Well, hello, you could have said so—"

And that's how Captain America found Hawkeye and Black Widow. Sparring in the living room. Two couches overturned and a precariously perched soda on the edge of the coffee table. He picked it up and took a swig before interrupting.

"Natasha, what is this?"

She looked up from where she had Clint's face under her boot.

Immediately, she assessed him. His posture was stiff, one hand slightly clenched at his side, head cocked and jaw set, as if not sure whether to be amused or irritated. The hard look in his eye told her irritated.

An irritated Captain America in front of her could only mean one thing.

Actually it could mean four things that she could list off the top of her head, but judging by the phone he was clutching, it was option #3.

"Now, let's not get all our spandex in a twist here," she said lightly.

Avenger Tower's 45th floor living room had two traditional exits, one exit to the restroom, and five unconventional exits, including air ducts. Natasha mentally routed them all, even considering using Clint as a body shield.

"I think you're doing enough twisting for the both of us," Steve nodded to where Clint was still pinned. She took into account their position and it suddenly struck her that they could pass for playing Twister. A dark, spy version of Twister. Involving combat boots and knives.

"Yeah? Well we can invite you next time. Right now I'm busy whipping Clint's butt, though. You'll have to wait your turn."

She slowly let up the pressure on Clint, as if to say, _don't move until I tell you to_. His lips formed a smirk in response, _following your lead_. He just gave a grunt in response for the Captain's sake.

"My inbox is flooded. My phone number is compromised. I can't even check the weather without another notification from someone who wants to hook up with me." Steve was looking very unimpressed.

For his sake, she feigned a solemn and regretful look. Meanwhile, she was tapping in Morse code on Clint's forearm. _Boost me air duct._

Finally, she asked the burning question: "And? Anyone cute?"

"Take it down, Natasha."

Clint replied: _What about me?_

"Well, I just figured you could use a little push."

 _Does not suspect u._

"Thanks, Romanoff," he replied sarcastically. "But there are better ways."

"Like a blind date? I could get you one of those."

"Natasha," he said in a warning voice. "Please, just take it down. And that profile picture, really?"

"Fine. I'll change the picture."

"No! The whole thing!"

Natasha gave a pouting face. Then, she screwed up her face a little and squinted her eyes, "What's that?"

The moment Steve turned around, Natasha kicked the coffee table at him and Clint gave her a boost up to the air ducts. While Steve was busy yelling up into the metallic crawlspaces, Clint booked it down the hallway and met up with her on the 71st floor ducts.

They stayed there laughing silently and added a new profile picture of Captain America's face photoshopped onto Superman's body, while Steve begged JARVIS to just give him _one_ hint.

* * *

 _Personally, I don't care for Superman, but I would probably watch Agent Kent._

 _Review, or Hawkeye and Widow might be photoshopping you next._


	4. Chapter 4

_Almost can see this happening. Almost not. Idk, maybe not the best of the bunch, but it still made me chuckle._

 _Avengers Post #40948 mood: want a hug from bae_

* * *

"Hey Hawk, why the sour face?"

Clint just continues to scowl and push past Tony.

"Okaaay, someone definitely needs a hug. Rogers?"

"Shot not," is the immediate reply, the Captain's forefinger jumping to the tip of his nose instantly.

Romanoff immediately follows suit, her lips pursed in a half smirk.

Banner has no idea what's happening, but he copies the others nonetheless.

That left Thor.

"Looks like you do the honors, Goldilocks," Tony nods to the demigod.

"Of what?" Thor looks around him, puzzled.

"Giving sourpuss here a hug."

Clint whirls around from rummaging in the fridge. "Do what now? I don't think so."

"He's the only one left," Steve says seriously.

"No way. No how. I'm good, but thanks for the offer." Clint goes back to the fridge and pulls out some chocolate milk.

"He's going for the chocolate. He really is sad. Thor, I think he needs it bad, better hurry up," Natasha says.

"Y tu, Natasha? Thor, stay. Stay. Don't move."

Thor is caught in the indecision of obeying Clint or the majority of the team.

 _(one hour later)_

"I miss you, babe."

"I miss you, too, Clint."

"I really wish I could hug you right now."

"No one there you can hug?"

"…"

"Clint?"

"Can we talk about something else?"

* * *

 _If you review, Thor might give you a hug, too._


	5. Chapter 5

_Teenager Post #35016 ~ Person: "I can hear your music." Me: "You're welcome."_

Bruce opened his eyes to find Tony peering down at him.

"Hey bud. You ok?"

Bruce groaned in response.

"Great!" Tony tossed some pants at him. "I'm adding super stretchy pants to the to do list. I think Romanoff's ogling."

They didn't tell him right away what happened during the Code Green rehearsal. But from everyone's expressions he felt safe to assume they were gonna have a whole bunch more paperwork this time, and Tony requires direct supervision when he signs it. They settled on the quinjet, and he wrapped himself like a burrito in a shock blanket, playing a song by Maria Callas on his phone.

"Bruce," came Tony's call from the pilot seat. "Thank you for making us all feel like we're at the Met."

Maybe it was because he was tired. Maybe because he was hungry. Maybe because he was hangry. Or maybe because he just wanted to show Tony how it feels to work in the lab with him, he unapologetically said, "You're welcome." He cranked the volume up just a little more.

The next day, Bruce found no less than ten noise cancelling headphones from Tony on his lab bench, with the note, "Spare us."

He took the Beats.


	6. Chapter 6

_Post #11985 Life is getting too complicated, I wanna be 5 again._

The Avengers have just completed another failed mission. A cold lead on the position of Loki's scepter brings them back to the Tower, eating Chinese takeout and discussing possibilities of what to do next.

At one point, they give up and simply munch on their MSG.

Tony, predictably, can only take so much silence, and thus must break it. "Life is getting too complicated, I wanna be five again," he mourns.

Clint readily responds with, "Um, no, I'm not with you on that one."

"Pass," Rogers says without hesitation.

Romanoff doesn't so much as blink, "Rather not."

"Yeah, no," Bruce shakes his head.

"I would readily rescind to my younger self if I could strengthen my bond with my brother," Thor says with a hand over his heart.

"High five, bro," Tony raises his hand to Thor.

Turns out, that was a bad idea, Tony realizes from his current position in the ceiling.

* * *

 _A/N: Please review!_


	7. Chapter 7

_This one was kind of a reach, but I had this idea when I thought of Riza Hawkeye from Fullmetal Alchemist and just had to make it work! Hope you like it anyway!_

 _Post #35438 me all day: I'm so tired. me at night: how many shows can I watch before school tomorrow_

Bruce isn't a demigod. He's not a super soldier. He's not a super spy that easily lives on two hours of sleep. And he's not like Tony who just injects caffeine straight into his bloodstream.

But for real, though. He's mad tired.

All the rest of the team is chillin in the quinjet. Talking about what to do for lunch (or is it breakfast? Really? Breakfast? He feels like they've been out for the entire day already), or who's going to the gym to work out since they hardly saw any action at the half-cocked HYDRA base today, or hey have you heard about this cray show it's lit bro.

That one actually turns Bruce's head. He stares at Steve. Along with the rest of the team.

They're effectively rendered speechless.

"Um, Steve, please don't try and use slang anymore," Clint says from where he's turned around in the co-pilot's seat. "I think they're worse than my dad jokes."

"Right. Right, yeah ok, sorry guys," Steve shakes his head a little. "But really, there's this show, we so need to watch it!"

"Is this another one of Cap's catch-up-from-the-fifties things?" Natasha deadpans.

"No, it's Japanese! It's called Fullmetal Alchemist," Steve announces proudly.

Bruce just wants to take a nap.

Two hours and a good NYC bagel brunch later, the team is gathered in one of the living rooms as Steve pulls up the show and rattles off about it, "So it's basically about this kid with a metal arm," he starts.

"Creepy Winter Soldier is in this?" Tony inserts.

Steve continues on, "And his brother in a metal suit of armor…"

"Hey, Tony, you're a sidekick!" Clint grins from his seat on the couch.

"And then there's this guy who likes to wear an overcoat and he ends up with an eyepatch somewhere along the way…"

"I knew it. Nick just has to be everywhere," Natasha rolls her eyes.

"And then there's a sharpshooter named Hawkeye…"

"Woah, really! I'm so awesome," Clint high fives Natasha before Steve continues.

"She's a girl."

"Oh. Well. That still sounds cool. I guess. Why'd they have to make me a girl?" Natasha pats Clint on the back in consolation.

"Then there's this really awkward but super strong huge dude…"

"Our resident Doc Dork over here," Tony grins and ruffles Bruce's hair.

"And there's also a guy that kinda has some lightning thing…"

"I am most glad to know I am included!" Thor says happily.

"He's a serial killer…"

"So maybe you're kinda like fused with your brother?" Natasha remarks shamelessly.

"And there's this lady who is drop dead gorgeous and she kinda runs around and does all this sabotage-y stuff…"

"We all know who that is," Clint says.

"But you already have your character, Barton," Natasha gives Clint a pointed look, to which he sticks out his tonge.

"She's kinda a serial killer, too…"

"Ok, never mind, I claim it," says Natasha from where she has Clint in a headlock on the ground.

"And then that's about it." Steve finally brings up the first episode.

"Wait wait wait, what about you?" Tony accuses.

"Yeah, surely you've got your counterpart, too," Natasha abruptly releases Clint and tilts her head.

"I think it'd be a stretch," the Cap says.

"Nobody named Steve? No glorious Captain? No guy with a shield?"

"Well…there is this guy who was nicknamed the ultimate shield, but he's kind of a creep," Steve admits reluctantly.

"Yeah, yeah, works for me! Can we watch already?" Tony snaps. "JARVIS, lights!"

And despite how tired Bruce thought he was before, he stays up well into the night with the rest of the Avengers watching anime.

They were all hooked.

It was pretty lit.


End file.
